Raise A Hallelujah

Last Updated on September 19, 2023 by Rayna

Blog post by: Rayna Piazza

As I sat down to pick out my Christmas cards online this year I was stuck. I could not pick a design and it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. I practically begged my husband for us to do Christmas cards. He jokingly calls them a WOM (as in ‘waste of money’ – lol!) and he tries to eliminate them from the Christmas budget each year. I, on the other hand, love sending out Christmas cards for so many reasons. Back to the task at hand, which one would I pick? And, I could not decide because this year had been just so hard but also good in many ways.

I asked Jesus which card I should pick and when I scrolled past this particular design I heard the Lord whisper, “this is the one.” It said “Hallelujah” and that’s all it said. After reasoning with the Lord and saying, “this card doesn’t even say Merry Christmas,” He responded with, “This is the one because you are prophetically decreeing ‘Hallelujah’ to your circumstance.” So, I chose the Hallelujah design.

My circumstance

You see, I got pregnant with my first baby in February of 2018. I am a stepmom and we all wanted this new baby to add to our sweet family. This baby was so perfect in our eyes and so loved in our hearts. We had gone down such a long journey to get here.

My husband had a vasectomy reversal. I had laparoscopic surgery which ended with one of my fallopian tubes being removed. We both had lost 80 pounds between us, which was super hard. Not to mention, we are in our forties and the odds for conceiving were against us just with our ages alone. Despite it all, our miracle happened. We got pregnant naturally. I was elated. Brett was ecstatic. All our dreams were coming true.

We went to the first ultrasound appointment and everything looked great. Her heartbeat was perfect for her age. We could not have been happier. My husband told everyone he talked to that we were pregnant! I had so much joy it was contagious.

Then, the unthinkable happened. We went to the ten week appointment and there was no heartbeat. I laid on the table numb. This could not be happening. Not my baby. I loved her with everything in me. My husband loved her and my boys loved her. It was heartbreaking.

I tried to pick myself up after the initial shock but it was so hard. Between the hormones coursing through my body and the actual heartache I was so incredibly sad. Then, depression showed up. I questioned God on everything I believed. “Are You really the good God I tell everyone You are? I’m so mad at You!” I was so mad. Oh and everyone I knew was pregnant. We were supposed to all have our babies together. Why was this happening?

After the depression, I got in the mindset that I should try to get pregnant again as soon as possible. My doctor did say it was incredibly promising that we got pregnant naturally and that I should be encouraged by that fact alone.

My baby’s due date was November 14th so I asked God to give me another baby before then. Looking back I was trying to ease the pain in my heart. I subconsciously thought that if I had a new baby by the time my first baby was due I could better handle the pain. What a lie. However, I didn’t realize it was a lie yet and I was on a mission.

On a mission

Each month that passed I thought I was pregnant and each month I was not pregnant. That sucked. It was a terrible feeling but I stayed on my mission. I kept trekking forward. All I could focus on was, “I will get pregnant.” And, in the last stretch, I met my current doctor.

My new doctor checked me on my first visit and said we could do an IUI in three days. This news came to me in late October! Of course I was super excited and I just knew that I knew that this was God answering my prayer to get pregnant before my first due date. My redemption was here. Our rainbow baby was coming and we would find out just days before my first baby’s due date. I dreamed about the upcoming holidays and how they would be filled with expectancy for this new life. It was all working out.

During my two week wait my cousin passed away. She was only 43 and we had grown up together. My heart broke for her husband and her kids, my aunt, uncle, and her brother. It was so sudden and we were all shocked. My heart was sad already, then this. It was another blow for this year and I was wrapping my heart around my sweet cousin not being here anymore.

Then, in November, just days before my first baby’s due date, we found out we were in fact not pregnant. Again. A failed IUI is what they called it. Why was all of this happening to me? I sobbed. My heart broke in a million pieces and I felt the pain.

Not only was my cousin gone and it seemed so unreal. We were now not pregnant for what seemed to be the thousandth time and my two very dear friends were having their November babies any day now.

How could I hold those babies and not break down? How could I celebrate their joy with all of my pain lingering? My thinking was off and I felt so distant from Jesus. Everything seemed so unfair and so wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

But God

After processing the pain and letting my heart absorb the fact that I would not be pregnant this Christmas and that I was now 42 years old and continually surrendering to it all, I began to hear the voice of God again. I apologized for being so mad at Him but turns out He didn’t even care. He understood and He said, “Don’t you think I know your age, Rayna? Don’t you think I know your circumstances? Your babies will come in My timing.”

I came to a place where I handed it all over to him. I decided to be thankful in my circumstance. I decided to appreciate every sweet thing around me…my amazing husband, my two beautiful boys, my sweet sister for letting me vent, my supportive friends who were praying for me, my friends who were pregnant and their sweet babies that were on the way, and my two dogs who had so patiently laid in the bed and comforted me when I cried. I was thankful that I had breath in my lungs. My heart was thankful for Jesus who was helping me and encouraging me every step of the way. It was a choice to stay thankful. And, I decided to make that choice each morning.

Enjoying the holidays

I decided to enjoy the holidays. And, that’s why I chose the Hallelujah card. I chose to trust God that my Hallelujah was a prophetic decree for answered prayers in my future. I chose to praise Him in the storm. I decided to thank Him and honor Jesus even when I wasn’t getting what I wanted.

I handed my pain to Him and He gave me back a thankful heart. I can’t explain it other than to say my perspective changed. I still want a baby more than anything. And, ironically, I’m more convinced now than ever before that our baby is coming because of His whisper to my heart, “My promises are yes and amen.”

²⁰For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.
2 Corinthians 1:20 New International Version (NIV)

Sharing my pain

And, the reason you’re reading this today is because Jesus asked me to share my pain. He asked me to write about it on my blog. Because the Christian walk is not all about the happy times. There are hard times too. There are times when you don’t get what you want. There are times when it seems that everything God has ever promised you will not come true. There are times when it seems like everyone else is walking out your dream and you feel stuck. What do we do in those times? How do we cling to Him?

My weapon is a melody

I started with worship. I decided to be thankful and praise Him. Then, one day after the holidays I came across this song and I began to weep. He knew. Father God knew I would hear this song after He spoke to me about my Hallelujah card.

It’s called, “Raise A Hallelujah” and the lyrics provided so much confirmation to my heart. God always confirms His voice. He’s always talking and leading and confirming. This song swelled my heart with faith because it was another beacon of light reinforcing God’s promise to me. So, as I stand in faith today I raise a Hallelujah louder than the unbelief (that’s from the song!) Check out the lyrics below.

Every time I listen this one verse sticks out to me so loud, “Just begin to raise your own hallelujah.” As I listened to it for the first time, I pictured myself raising my Christmas card to Heaven and I sang, “You’re so faithful and so good. I honor Your timing and I trust you.” And more of the pain fell off. God is replacing my pain with His promise. I am filled with joy every time I listen.

And, do you know what happened with my two friends who were having babies in November? It ended up that I loved meeting these two sweet babies. I was able to celebrate and rejoice with Melissa and Piera with a truly joyful heart. I began to dream about my baby being friends with these two sweet baby girls. I prayed for each of them intentionally and with my full heart.

Handing over the pain

As I gave my pain to Him and began to trust I felt lighter. It was not overnight. It was a process. But, as I trusted His healing seeped into my heart and made me whole again. I continue to renew my mind and trust has now consumed my thoughts. No longer am I tormented by what might not happen. I am overjoyed at the possibilities of my future.

And now, more than ever before, I know that my faithful God will answer and I will be pregnant again.