Last Updated on October 8, 2023 by Rayna
Blog post by: Rayna Piazza
As I write to you today my heart hurts. I want to share this part of my fertility journey because despite major setbacks, I am choosing to maintain my trust in God. And, I have to admit, this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
Table of Contents
- The Hard Realities Of Fertility
- Self Pity When Trying To Conceive
- Self Hate During My Fertility Journey
- We Have a Choice To Believe God During Fertility
- Let’s Decree Over Our Fertility Together
- God Is Faithful
The Hard Realities Of Fertility
My husband and I completed our second fertility treatment (IUI) and I was POSITIVE this was our month to get pregnant. We have been trying to conceive for over two years. My husband has had one surgery and I have had two surgeries to heal our bodies for fertility. I am 42 years old and he’s 46 years old as I write this post.
Nothing could have convinced me we were not pregnant this month. Nothing except three negative pregnancy tests, my period arriving, and an ultrasound confirming my empty womb. I was so sure. My heart just knew it but I guess it isn’t our time yet.
The feelings that arise are disappointment, anger, shame, and hopelessness just to name a few. Here’s the emotional pain again. The pain of unanswered promises. And, the day before I got my period (when there was still a 10% chance I could have been pregnant) I decided that I would not wallow in self pity if I was not pregnant. My exact words were, “I refuse to entertain self pity.”
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Self Pity When Trying To Conceive
The next day I wallowed in self pity and I hated myself for it. So, I have two issues here: (1) using self pity as a coping mechanism and (2) hating myself. Wow! Those suck.
As I run toward the pain I decided to ask myself, “What’s brewing in my heart?” This is what I found. I feel like I have lost my hope. I am questioning myself. Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe I did not hear from God and I will not birth a baby. Am I okay with that?
And, my heart aches at the thought because I have always believed strongly that God has given me a promise that I will have a baby or babies (twins) from the fruit of my womb. My husband and I have had prophetic word after prophetic word spoken over us that not only will we have a baby from the fruit of my womb but also that we will have twins.
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Why is this happening God?
In regard to self pity, I will tell you this. Self pity begins with me not trusting the Holy Spirit and His promise to me. My heart doesn’t trust because my past experiences and pain are speaking louder than the truth of His promises. My lens of pain frames my heart’s choices rather than God’s truth leading me out of my pain. It exacerbates by me agreeing with self pity and entertaining the thoughts that my promise for a baby will not manifest. My negative thoughts then turn into the feelings of disappointment, anger, shame, and hopelessness.
The Holy Spirit promised me a baby. The question I am asking myself is do I believe Him or not? That’s a hard one. When I’m not super disappointed and on my period battling my hormones, of course I believe Him. But, when my world is crashing down in front of me and I feel like this was the month I would be pregnant no matter what and I’m not pregnant, I do not believe Him. But the key thing here is that I have a choice. Not believing in His promises is just as much of a choice as believing.
Self Hate During My Fertility Journey
The other issue that arose in my heart is self hate. If this is your first time reading about self hate, it’s a doozie. And, when I first discovered self hate I didn’t believe a person could ever truly hate their self and have happy times in their life. But, life is not black and white and self hate shows up in many ways. For me, today, it shows up because I’m so mad at myself for not being able to believe the Holy Spirit and His promise to me. I’m mad at myself for going back to my old ways of self pity. I’m mad that I didn’t get what I wanted this month. And, I am blaming it all on myself.
As I run toward the pain and ask my heart what is wrong I can’t stop crying. I’m so hurt that I can’t get it together. I’ve been in counseling on and off since I was 30 years old and here I sit still facing the same issue of self hate. And, I’m still feeling sorry for myself. Ugh! This is what I call a pity party. But, keep reading because I finally got to the other side of it!
Holy Spirit Speaks
Yesterday my husband went to church alone because I just could not do it. I was still so upset and I just wanted to wallow in it. I went shopping (of course! lol) and hung out with some friends. When my husband got back home he told me to listen to our pastor’s message because he felt it would really encourage me. As I listened to the message my heart started to soften. Here’s the scripture that stood out to me:
18 Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!”Romans 4:18, New Living Translation
There it was. These words stood out to me like they were standing up on a chair waving me over. “Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping…” Wow! I could feel my heart jump a bit with encouragement. Then it goes on to say in verse 20:
20 Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. 21 He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.Romans 4:20-21, New Living Translation
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And, it dawned on me that if I will stop wavering in believing the promise it will bring glory to God. And, in that place of bringing glory to God my heart will be supernaturally convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. When we have a negative thought or a negative belief our best offense is to bring it to truth.
5 We break down every thought and proud thing that puts itself up against the wisdom of God. We take hold of every thought and make it obey Christ.2 Corinthians 10:5, New Life Version
Renewing Our Minds
Renewing our minds is the same as taking hold of every thought and making it obey Christ. A thought can only obey Christ when it lines up or agrees with the Word of God, the Bible. When I am under the influence of a lie my ability to obey Christ is comprised, because I am not believing the truth.
The lie I was believing was, “God’s promises to me will not come true.” The truth is, “For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us” from 2 Corinthians 1:20, New King James Version.
As I choose to believe the truth I free up my heart to trust God. And, because my lens is now clear, I can see Him for the loving Father He is. This freedom also gives me the courage to forgive myself. If you hate something about yourself the way to get free is to forgive yourself in that area. So, as I realize I hated myself for my behavior I now choose to forgive myself for not being strong and giving in to self pity. I forgive myself for not being perfect. I forgive myself for not having all the answers. And, I move forward.
We Have a Choice To Believe God During Fertility
We have a choice. In my situation the choice is whether I will believe the lies of the pain or will I believe my promise from God? My fertility doctor shoots straight with me. He says that at our age and with our past history Brett and I have a small chance of conceiving naturally and if we do conceive we have a 40% chance of miscarriage. Each time. No matter what.
But, I am not a statistic. I am a child of God. I am the 1% that gets pregnant and carries the babies full term. And, as I write I am declaring that I believe the truth that God says about me. I believe I am in the 1% and I will get pregnant and carry my baby full term. There, I said it. In Job 22:28 it says, You will also declare a thing, and it will be established for you; so light will shine on your ways.
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My Personal Fertility Declaration
My Fertility Declaration:
I believe I am in the 1% and I will get pregnant and carry twins full term.-Rayna Piazza
My Prayer: Father God, I repent for agreeing with self pity and believing the lie that Your promises will not come true. I choose to believe the truth that Your promises are yes and amen. Please forgive me and help me to renew my mind. I repent for reverting to self hate when things did not go my way. I choose to love myself and forgive myself. Jesus, I ask for You to forgive me in this area of my life. I choose to trust You in my circumstance no matter what I see. I ask that you would establish my decrees. In Jesus’s Name I pray. Amen.
Let’s Decree Over Our Fertility Together
- I decree that I am in the 1% and I will get pregnant and carry twins full term.
- I decree that me and my husband will be fruitful and multiply. (Genesis 1:28)
- I decree that no weapon formed against me or my husband shall prosper and every tongue that rises up against us in judgement shall be condemned. (Isaiah 54:17)
- I decree that I have already won the victory, because the Spirit who lives in me is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. (1 John 4:4)
- I decree that I am fully convinced that God is able to do whatever He promises. (Romans 4:21)
- I decree that my life is in God’s hands and I can trust him. I will not fear. (Isaiah 41:10)
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’Isaiah 41:10, New King James Version
God Is Faithful
There’s more to the story. The first time we got pregnant it was natural, with no fertility treatments. Our baby is in heaven because I miscarried but the Lord showed me that my body CAN CONCEIVE. And, now I stand in faith for the next step…a full term pregnancy and healthy baby or babies!
My story is not over and I choose to believe that God’s not finished with me yet! If you are believing for a baby or anything else and you need prayer reach out to me and I will pray for you! You can reach me on messenger on either my Instagram page or my Facebook page.
Jesus answered our prayers and we got pregnant and stayed pregnant through embryo adoption. We did not have twins as I thought we would but we did have the most precious child I could have ever asked for. Our journey to our daughter has been the most incredible story; a story only God could have written. Be encouraged my friend. Jesus is going to answer your prayers too.
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